T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the North Pole, the elves worked tirelessly to produce and wrap as many presents for the good little boys and girls in the Nice Department.
But this was far from nice, or naughty.
With no breaks, barely fed, and being forced to keep working.
The Naughty Department was filling the work orders for all the naughty boys and girls, with efficiency. Elves collapsed on the job, their supervisors snatched them up to send them immediately to Sick Bay.
Even the supervisors had been pushed to the max. Two of the most senior staff were found dead by hanging themselves from giant peppermint candy canes in their offices.
Sick Bay tallied up the losses suffered from the Naughty and Nice Departments, and their dry erase board was filling. The Medical crew got to battle rhythm and knew what to do with each exhausted elf. Milligrams of sucrose, hydration fluids, a protein supplement, and a sedative to allow them to rest.
Their beds were filling up.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer trotted into the factory, after flying around in the cold misty hair to stretch and prepare for the Christmas journey. After time, he learned to get physically stronger as he remained as the lead Reindeer for Santa.
He saw the chaos, and the misery of the elves. It brought a tear to his eye, and his red nose blared.
“It just gets worse every year.” Rudolph said as he looked on at the meekly dying elves. Some were passed out from exhaustion. “But not like this.” He said as he trotted in further.
He almost stepped on an elf that was collapsed on the verge of death.
“Oh my heavens! Are you alright?” Rudolph squatted down and tried to lift him up a little to sit him up. The elf was pale, sweaty, and gasping for air.
“Must.. meet.. quota..” the elf recited. Over and over.
“He’s delirious!” Rudolph grabbed him with his teeth and heaved him over his back. He flew over the Naughty and Nice departments immediately to sick bay.
And he saw the mayhem.
All of the elves lying in beds, hooked up to IV’s, the groans and moans of pain and exhaustion. It was a surprise to Rudolph that even the staff were functioning at this overwhelming capacity.
“Doc! I got one! I need a Nurse!” Rudolph screamed as his bright red nose blared. It got the attention of the staff at the desk.
A nurse elf ran over and reached over to grab the dying elf off of Rudolph’s back, laying the elf down on the floor.
“Oh Rudolph! We are in trouble! I don’t know if we have have beds open!” The nurse elf frantically took vitals on the ground with the dying elf.
“Must..meet..quota..” the dying elf recited.
“Nurse! We’re losing one at bed twelve!” An elf assistant screeched over the desk. Rudolph looked past the desk and saw the elf in question. He was convulsing and flailing around, spitting up peppermint candy juice.
One of the nurses began to suction and maintain an airway. The Doctor elf came storming in and tried to sedate the dying elf at bed twelve to ease the convulsions.
“This is outrageous! He’s the fifth elf in the past 30 minutes!” The doctor yelled, pushing a sedative into the elves right thigh.
The nurse suctioned what was in the way in the dying elves throat.
Rudolph, stood there, watching them work on one elf.
He looked down at the dying elf at his hooves.
The elf looked up at him, reaching out with his right arm.
“Rudolph, I don’t wanna die alone.” The elf whispered, as he knew his time was coming. Rudolph frantically looked down at him, and back at the doctor. And at the nurses station which was unoccupied because all the staff were on patients.
Rudolph flashed and blared his red nose, “Help! He’s dying!”
The nurse elves and the doctor elf rushed over, grabbing the elf at Rudolph’s hooves, and carried him to a bed. The dying elf locked his eyes on Rudolph and his bright red nose, reaching out to him.
“Rudolph! We have a ton dying here, and that son of a bitch Santa and that bitch Mrs. Claus are the reason why!” The doctor yelled as he sedated the dying elf to comfort the elf as he passed onto the next life.
“You’ve got to do something!” The doctor finished.
And at that moment, something happened inside Rudolph, something snapped.
He trotted out of Sick Bay, and felt nothing but anger. He took flight back to the Naughty and Nice Department, soaring overhead. Once he reached up above everyone, he preached, “Elves! Stop what you are doing! Now. You all need rest, and food. The madness needs to stop!” Rudolph thundered his voice down below.
“Take your weak first to the mess halls, get them fed. Rest of you behind them.” Rudolph finished and soared over them to head to the mess hall kitchen.
Rudolph’s nose blared bright red and he announced as he entered the kitchen, “Prepare meals for the work crew! They are sending the weak and the injured first. Dispatch a small team to Sick Bay, feed the wounded and staff. Now!”
The elves started running frantically and getting trays out, opening pots and pans of fresh food of all sorts of varieties of meats and fruits, vegetables alike. A small three elf team took two carts of food for Sick Bay.
Rudolph supervised the operation briefly.
Then, he took flight to the Reindeer Den. Flying in with swift speed, and landed in the middle.
“There is chaos in the Naughty and Nice department, there are dozens of elves dying in Sick Bay. I need all of your help!” Rudolph commanded.
Donner trotted out of his cubicle and stared at Rudolph.
“It’s that unbelievable quota that fucking guy wants these guys to do, Bro. We all tried to tell him!” Donnor trotted closer to Rudolph, Cupid overheard the conversation and peaked his head out from his cubicle.
“Wha… what do you suggest we do?” Cupid asked. A couple of reindeer heard the clatter and commotion.
Rudolph trotted over to his cubicle, his right front hoof moved the pile of hay, revealing a glass plate with a button behind it. He then smashed the glass, exposing a giant red button. A quick buzz sounded as his cubicle floor opened up and arose a metal closet.
“We arm ourselves. And arm any able bodied elves. We are taking this fucking place over!”
Inside the closet were sharpened candy cane spears, peppermint grenades, and gumdrop mines.
Rudolph commanded, “Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, you are Alpha Team. Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen, you are Bravo Team. I will be Romeo One. We’re gonna storm the gates of North Pole Sanctuary, breach, and clear any elven hostiles. End goal, we need to take out Santa and Mrs. Claus. No prisoners gentlemen, no mercy.”
Each reindeer armed themselves appropriately, Blitzen smeared peppermint candy in tiger stripes across his snout and face. The others followed suit and smeared peppermint candy across their snouts.
“Let’s go bag this fuckface!” Rudolph yelled as the other reindeer cheered in motivation.
Cupid punched the intercom pager with his left hoof, to get on the loud speaker in the Mess Hall.
“Attention to all elves, we are arming a resistance force to take North Pole Sanctuary. Any able bodied elf that is able to fight, come to the Reindeer Den, we will arm you appropriately. Time now.” He clicked off the intercom pager.
“And now we wait.” Comet said.
“Let’s see who shows up!” Dasher huffed.
They heard a clatter up the stairs, cheers and grunts from over a dozen elves.
“Elves Squad, reporting for duty!” The tallest elf saluted with his candy cane staff.
Comet nodded off to the side, “arm up!”
Elves grabbed what was left of the sharpened spears, peppermint grenades, and gumdrop mines.
“Okay, Alpha Team, we need you to grab six elves with grenades. You will penetrate the gate. Eliminate any resistance. Once you are clear, Bravo will approach from the west side of you, and breach the access point. Mine that area in case anyone escapes. Exterminate any one. I’ll breach from the south, I’ll meet you all in the center.” Rudolph commanded, and everyone nodded understanding the plan.
The elves saddled up almost two on each reindeer, with Rudolph empty. They took flight from the Reindeer Den, and swung a hard curve around to all face the snowy cold North Pole Sanctuary. Three stories tall of magnificent structure.
The dark dressed elves spotted the reindeer in the sky protecting the gate. There were several of them posting guard.
“Why is Rudolph coming over?” One of them asked.
The senior guard shrugged, “probably to update us on progress of the quota.”
And as the dark elf responded, a candy cane spear pierced through his chest from the back, spraying blood across the snow, the gate, and the guards.
“What the fuck?” The nearest guard yelled as blood splattered his face. “To arms! We are under attack!”
More spears flew from the hands of the elves, striking their intended targets. An elf threw two grenades at the wounded dark dressed elves and the gate, two good massive peppermint explosions erupted. Hard candy shrapnel went everywhere slashing the remaining elves, brutally dismembering them.
A dark dressed elf crawled to the intercom, with no legs. Gasping for air, he punched the button.
“We are under attack!” Rudolph’s hoof crushed through the skull of the squealing elf, and smashed his pink cotton candy brain.
“What?! Who is attacking?” Santa said over the intercom.
“Santa! I’m coming for you, and your bitch!” Rudolph yelled as he smashed the intercom.
Alpha team strapped explosives to the gate and blew it as they all stood clear distance. The bodies of the dead elves disintegrated from the concussive blast.
“Alpha go! Push through! Bravo! Get to your spot!” Both teams dispersed rapidly and made their way to their designated spots. An alarm blared and dark dressed elves came out with their weapons to meet the aggressors.
It was a slaughter fest. Just a night before Christmas.
Bodies of the dark dressed elves littered the place like trash left on the side of the road. Bravo team rigged the exit access point from the west in case anyone escaped. Alpha lunches through the front door, tossing peppermint grenades and getting into fist fights with the darkly dressed elves.
Rudolph took to the skies and went through the south access point. He saw a reinforced door. Unwrapping four peppermint grenades, he charged with mighty speed, and breached the door with his body.
He immediately took flight and released the live grenades, expecting to meet resistance. Dozens of darkly dressed elves threw their spears and chucked grenades at Rudolph. He whipped around and dodged the grenades as his weapons exploded, sending shrapnel and pieces of the elves across the lobby.
Alpha team committed to the breach on their side, as did Bravo. They all met in the bloody lobby.
“Everyone up?” Rudolph commanded.
“Alpha is good!” Dasher replied.
“Bravo is good!” Comet responded.
Rudolph surveyed the area, and looked at the stairs leading up to the offices of Santa and Mrs. Claus.
“This is going to be the worst part. They have the best position. We have to avoid getting near that door, approach it on both sides. Stay clear, breach it, and I’m sure they’ll be expecting us to walk in.”
Without hesitation, Alpha and Bravo stacked up on each side of the door, avoiding standing in front of it. The elves gripped their grenades, and their spears.
Two elves planted gum drop mines at the bottom of the stairs in case anyone walked up on them.
On the other side of the door, Santa Claus was armed with a peppermint mini gun, he wore his red pants and boots, Santa hat, bare chested with chain linked peppermint bullets in an X pattern across his bare chest and stomach. Smoking from his cigar. Mrs. Claus mounted a gumdrop grenade launcher, she wore a red dress, with black boots instead of her black pumps. Sporting a red bandana. Her eyes were trained down the sights.
“Rudolph! You’re a naughty reindeer!” Santa yelled through the hallway. “Come in and lets be civil!” He smiled through puffing his cigar, as he prepared the rotary spin on the mini gun.
He pulled the trigger, and peppermint bullets pelted the door, shattering pieces of oak.
“Christ!!” Dasher yelled.
“Nah, fuck all that!” Comet said, briefly turned around to expose his behind, and kicked the door in with his back hooves. The door clambered open and more peppermint rounds whizzed by, barely skimming past Comet’s buttcheeks.
Prancer approached their side and kicked it the same way to breach their door. Unfortunately, Santa expected this, as he sent a volley of rounds towards that door. Dozens of rounds slammed into Prancer’s flesh, severely wounding him.
An elf screeched and grasped Prancer’s antlers, pulling him out of the way.
“I’ve got him! You get in there and fuck his Jolly Saint Nicolas’ ass up!” The elf yelled as he pressed into Prancer’s wounds to stop the bleeding.
An elf leaped off the back of Dancer.
“Give me all your grenades. I want to throw as many as I can. I won’t haven much time.” He said as he snatched off peppermint grenades.
The elf ripped off his shirt, and showed his bare chest.
“Nah, you won’t make it past that door!” Rudolph exclaimed.
Santa let out a volley of peppermint bullets, Mrs. Claus fired a few gum drop grenades down the hallway. They all ducked for cover.
The bare chested elf had a peppermint grenade in each hand, and licked a couple of the peppermint grenades sticking them to his chest.
“It was an honor, Rudolph.” The bare chested elf was about to approach the door.
“Wait!” Comet yelled.
The bare chested elf stood looking at Comet.
Comet leaped over the door, avoiding the onslaught of peppermint bullets, yelling over the loud weapon fire.
“We’re gonna breach the roof on top of them!”
Comet snatched up the bare chested elf and burst through the roof above them.
Dancer and Blitzen broke ranks and assisted the breach efforts.
“We need to distract them!” Cupid said as he peaked down the hallway. “Hey you fat fuck! I hope I ram my antler up your wife’s ass!”
Mrs. Claus launched a volley of grenades, “I’m in Santapause! Hot flashes here we come!” She unleashed more grenades.
Dancer, Blitzen, Comet, and the bare chested grenade Elf was ready. They slammed their hooves into the roof above Santa and Mrs. Claus, crushing the infrastructure to gain access. Santa pulled up the peppermint mini gun and opened fire. The elf leaped down through the hole and latched onto Mrs. Claus’s back. She frantically screamed in horror.
Santa pulled his mini gun down and aimed it at Mrs. Claus.
“Shoot him!” She yelled as the bare chested elf hugged her.
“Night night, bitch!” The peppermint grenades exploded, and Mrs. Claus absorbed the shrapnel and concussion blast, turning her into a pink mist.
By the time she exploded, Rudolph and the rest of the team stormed the hallway.
Santa snapped to, and opened fire down the hallway. Some of the elves and reindeer hit the ground, some weren’t so lucky.
“Get the fuck down!!” Rudolph yelled to the unwounded staff, as they low crawled quickly to cover. Several of the elves had been wounded.
Vixen and Dasher were wounded as they were the first ones to enter, and laying all low. Yelling from their injuries.
Dancer, Blitzen, and Comet breached quickly down and landed on top of Santa. Santa shoved the mini gun into Comets chest and opened fire, turning his insides into a peppermint factory. He was dead.
Dancer pierced the stomach of Santa, and tore outwards, as he snatched and unraveled his intestines. Blitzen kicked Santa straight in the chest to knock him down.
Rudolph stood over the dying Santa. He was coughing up blood, as it splattered across Rudolph’s fur.
Without hesitation, Rudolph stomped on Santa’s skull. With a loud crunch, his hooves caved into his skull, and he kept stomping into the smashed skull until it was unrecognizable.
“Come on Rudolph, he’s dead. We gotta get our wounded to Sick Bay. It’s over man!” Blitzen yelled at Rudolph, and shoved Rudolph to get his attention.
“It’s not over, it’s never over.” Rudolph replied.
Rudolph trotted over with his bloody hooves, and tried to pick up as many wounded on his back as possible, the remaining survivors grabbed the wounded reindeers, elves, and made their way back to Sick Bay.
“I need some explosive charges, I’m blowing this place North Pole high!” He searched, and found Mrs. Claus’ gum drop grenade launcher.
“That’ll work.” Blitzen armed himself and took to the snowy cold skies. He pulled the trigger and let the drum magazine full of gum drop grenades fly out the barrel, hitting the sanctuary with everything it had. The explosives set a chain reaction to the weapons area where they kept their weapons, and set off the flammable and combustibles that caused the sanctuary to explode from within.
Santa and Mrs. Claus were no more.
* * *
Christmas Day came.
They rush delivered to all of the nice and naughty boys and girls, as if nothing ever happened. Kids and adults opened up their presents and either cried from seeing coal, or shouted with glee seeing a new toy.
Many elves died in the Revolution, and the events leading to it.
The bare chested Elf that sacrificed himself in the name of freedom, was hailed a hero and he was honored in song. They began to construct a statue, holding a peppermint grenade in each hand.
Comet sacrificed himself also in the name of freedom, as they erected a statue to honor him at the center of the Reindeer Den.
Vixen and Dasher eventually healed from their wounds, and returned to Reindeer duties.
Rudolph and the rest of Alpha and Bravo team protected the elves, and ensured fair treatment of all elves. They were now tasked to carry out the traditions of Christmas. Rudolph, the lead reindeer, with the help of Vixen, took in all naughty and nice lists. Prancer was in charge of letter mail to the North Pole.
And the rest is history….